


Something deep inside me I can't give up

by iittaliia



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, liam says three, niall says one, so much pining how did that even happen, sorry about that, zayn doesn't say a word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 20:39:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2554880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iittaliia/pseuds/iittaliia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry knows from his own experience that lying affects everyone around you, and apparently so does telling the truth.<br/>Set during WWA and OTRA, including Lou's and Harry's friendship, Louis' and Eleanor's relationship and everybody else just wanting  Louis and Harry to get their shit together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something deep inside me I can't give up

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Fireproof because I'm imaginative like that.
> 
> Okay so like this is the first thing I've ever written here and English is not my main language so this is not perfect and all that shit I'm supposed to say here.
> 
> And like I know it is supposed to be "sharp intake /of/ breath" and not like I've written it, but nothing has ever sounded so wrong and stupid to my own ears than writing it with the of, so sorry about that. There is also some other mistakes 'cause I'm a stubborn little shit and refused to change them when my dear friend pointed them out. 
> 
> Also thanks to Kalla for reading this and pointing out the mistakes, even though I didn't change them all ♥

She comes along when we’re in Paris, because of course she does, it’s the city of love after all. It hurts like it always does, but the thing with pain is that you get used to it. It’s not really a thing I wanted to get used to, but seeing you two together has always had the effect of making me feel broken inside.

I see you two at the reception, making sure she gets the other key to your room so you can spend every moment together when possible, and I don’t blame her. I would spend every moment with you too if that’d be okay.

I walk over to you to say hey, even though I don’t really feel like it, but it would be rude not to and I don’t want to be rude to you, ever.

“Oh hey Eleanor”, I say cheerfully and smile, and it doesn’t quite reach my eyes, but you don’t seem to notice. I’d like for you to notice. I’d like you to notice all my smiles and know the meanings behind them, just like I know all of yours. Like this one you are wearing now, looking at her. You look happy and content and my stomach feels weird thinking that she is the reason for that smile.

“You look beautiful”, I add when she turns around to wrap her hands around me in a loving hug.  
“Aww, charming as always, this one”, she says and kisses me on the cheek. “I’m sorry to burst in and steal your favorite roomie, but woman has her needs you know”, she winks at me and takes her place next to you, like she belongs there – and she kind of does, which doesn’t ease the pain in my chest.  
“El, Harry doesn’t need to hear that”, you laugh, looking slightly embarrassed. I smile at you reassuringly, because you shouldn’t be ashamed of doing what every normal couple does, even though it hurts me.

“Yeah, you guys have fun then. I was just on my way to see Lou at the spa, figured she might need some help with Lux”, I say and force a smile on my face. She asks me to say hey to Lou for her, and I want to tell her to go say it herself, but I just keep the smile on my face and nod before walking past them and to the little spa.

I find Lou sitting at the edge of the little children’s pool, where Lux is happily sitting and playing with the toys floating around her. I sit at the edge too, not saying anything but smiling at Lou when she notices me.

“Hey, didn’t think I’d see you here today”, she says, turning her eyes back to Lux. I just shrug and she immediately knows something’s up, but doesn’t say anything and that’s why I like her so much, she won’t push. We are quiet for a while before I feel like I need to get it out before I suffocate.

“She’s here”, I say, trying to make it sound like it’s not a big deal. Lou knows that it is though, and she turns to look at me, before moving closer and wrapping her hands around me. “I’m sorry”, she whispers and I feel a lump starting to form in my throat. I try my best with swallowing it away before answering “I’m sorry too”.

“You know you can always come and hang with us, right? I mean like don’t force yourself to be the third wheel in that”, she says and I know she’s just trying to be friendly, but I _am_ the third wheel and I’m always going to be. But I don’t say that because I don’t want to be rude to her either, so I nod again and rest my head on top of hers.

“It’s just… I knew she was coming but it still hurts”, I say quietly, looking at Lux still playing with her toys. I’m jealous of her; she doesn’t have any worries in the world.  
“When it hurts you know that the feelings are for real” Lou answers and I let out a joyless laugh.  
“The feelings have been for real since I was sixteen Lou, I could do with not being reminded how fuckin gone I am”, I point out, sighing. Normally she would have flipped me of for swearing in front of Lux, but now she just holds on tighter.

~*~*~

I constantly try to find reasons to hate her – other than just her falling for you, because I can’t really blame her for that. And it’s not really her fault either that you have fallen for her too. It’d be easier if she’d be mean or something, but she is genuinely just so nice person that I feel bad for not liking her. But she being nice doesn’t mean that I’d spend any more time with her than absolutely necessary.

She stays for only couple of days, so when we get to Milan she is already back in Manchester. I find it funny that she didn’t stay for the concert that would be filmed, but who am I to question yours or hers choices. The moment she is gone I feel like this weight has come off my shoulders, even though it’s pretty ridiculous. You and her are still together and her absence won’t change that, but I think it as an “ _out of your sight, out of your mind_ ” kind of a situation.

Niall comes to me after the first concert at San Siro. “Louis is upset”, is all he says, but he gives me a pointed look and I sigh. I knew something was off the moment we got on stage. You were acting a bit weird at the backstage too, but I brushed it off as you being nervous about the cameras filming. But when we got on stage you were still weird, not in the way that others would notice, but in the way that _I_ would. And I _did_ notice and I got worried but I couldn’t really do anything while on stage with cameras filming everywhere and thousands of fans screaming at us.

So I do it when we are back at the hotel. You have your own room with a double bed, because Paul didn’t room us together since he wasn’t sure whether _she_ would still be on tour with us. You are already in your room, and I don’t want to knock and wait for you to open it, because I’m not sure if you would actually do that. So I ask Paul to give me the spare key and he doesn’t even question me since, as he puts it, he does _not_ want to know what’s going on in our rooms when we’re in private, as long as it’s in mutual understanding and safe. Sometimes I’d like to point out that whatever he thinks we do when we’re rooming together, is probably not what we are doing, since watching Netflix and cuddling doesn’t require being safe. Today is not the day to point that out though, so I just take the key and smile apologetically at him.

I knock at your door only to let you know that I’m coming in, since you could be doing pretty much anything, and that anything can include something you don’t want me to see. But there’s no answer coming so I just take that as my permission to open the door and walk in.

You are sitting on your bed, leaning against the headboard. You’re not really doing anything, there’s not even TV on and I don’t see your phone or computer anywhere. You are just lying there, as if you were waiting for me – and you probably were. We know each other so well that it would actually be weird if me coming here was a surprise to you.

I walk to the bed and stay next to it for a moment, before deciding to climb next to you. Just standing there and looking down at you while talking about something this big would just feel really weird. I leave space between us though, which I believe actually feels weirder than if I would have been standing. There’s never space between us if there’s no cameras or _her_ around.

“I’m sorry”, I say quietly. You sigh.  
“For what?” you ask, and I can hear the restraint in your voice.  
“For upsetting you. For acting like a proper twat”, I answer, shrugging a little bit. I don’t know how to put my behavior in to words, really. You sigh again and are quiet for a moment.

“It’s just… whenever she comes around, you change. You snap at everybody and you get moody and you seem to be pissed off with everything. But the worst is that you push me off”, you start and I can hear the hurt in your voice and I feel bad, I feel so bad. “Like I barely see you when she’s with us and that’s just _stupid_ because her presence doesn’t mean that I don’t want to spend time with you, because I do, _shit_ , I do”, you continue and I’m looking at you now. “And like, when she goes away you change back to being you, all happy and smiley. I know that you’re not a big fan of her, never have been, but…” you seem to struggle with finding the right words and I want to interrupt you, but I don’t have time before you finally finish. “Everybody wants their best friend and a partner to get along. You are my best friend, Harry, and she is my girlfriend and I just really want you two to get along.”

You look at me now for the first time since I entered the room and I can see the hurt in your eyes, so I hold back the urge to point out that in an ideal situation the best friend would _be_ the partner.

“I’m sorry”, I whisper again as sincerely as I can and I can see your face soften.  
“I promise to behave better next time, yeah? Like spend some time with her, if that’s what you want”, I add, not because I’m keen to spend time with her, but because I care about you too much to make you feel that hurt again because of something I’ve done. You are quiet for a moment, like you’re considering what I’ve suggested, before you slowly nod.  
“Yeah, I’d like that”, you say and I finally see your lips turn up for a little smile and I immediately feel a bit better.

We spend the evening as I thought we would – with cuddling and watching Netflix, like the past few days would have never happened.

~*~*~

I forget about the whole promise I made, since it’s not relevant in the near future – until it suddenly is. She comes while we’re in Vegas this time, and I can already feel myself starting to behave like a child, until I see your upset face and I remember the conversation we had. So when she asks me if I’d join you for dinner, my answer is “ _I’d love to_ ”, and the look on your face makes me smile with a little bit of sincerity.

We go to a pretty nice place on a day off, and I try to have fun, I really do – Lou actually had given me a lecture about it beforehand. “ _You are going to go there, and you are going to have fun Harry Styles_ ”, she had said, but I don’t think she’d realized how it would be like, actually sitting in front of you two, being all coupley together and laughing at some inside jokes with your hand wrapped around her.

But I survived the night and at the hotel she disappeared in to the lift after I’d kissed her cheek good night, like she knew we wanted some private time. You hugged me tightly and whispered “ _thank you_ ” in my ear and I smiled in your neck and hugged back. I didn’t point out that it had been pretty difficult for me not to start crying at the table when you took her hand in yours, or when you shared your dessert like a proper couple you are, or that that this hug was the highlight of my night.

We parted and you gave me a kiss on the cheek much like I’d done to her, and wished me good night.

~*~*~

It’s New Year ’s Eve. You’re outside on my balcony; I can see you through the still surprisingly clean glass. You’re talking on the phone, have been for a while already. I assume you’re talking to her. You’re not even on the same time zone, you’re not even celebrating New Year’s at the same time, but still there you are talking to each other as the minutes go by. You could have gone to her for New Year’s, you could have. But you still chose to come to my party and I can’t help but wish you would choose me over her for other things too.

I leave the window and you alone, because I feel like I shouldn’t be there just looking at you when you’re trying to have a private conversation. I go around my place a few times, making sure everything is ok and people are having fun. When I hear someone point out that it’s nearly midnight, I feel this sudden urge to go outside, to go to you.

You have your phone in your hands and you are typing when I open the door. The sudden loud noise of people getting ready for the countdown surprises you a little, but you smile at me as you put your phone back in your pocket, stopping whatever it was that you were doing with it.

“Did you come here to be my new year’s kiss?” you smirk at me and suddenly I feel this tight grip on my chest like I can’t breathe if I don’t do it.  
“Harry, you okay?” you ask worriedly because I’m not smiling back at you. People have started counting down inside and the feeling in my chest tightens and I want to _breathe_.

“I love you.”

You look at me and for once in my life, you’re unreadable to me. I hear people starting to yell inside, wishing happy new year to everybody and nobody at the same time and I wonder if anybody even notices what’s going on outside. People start kissing each other like they are supposed to, and I think if the moment would be any different you would have kissed me too, but now you are just looking at me.

“Why are you saying this?” you ask. You don’t ask what I mean because you already know.  
“I thought you should know”, I say, not looking at you in the eyes and I feel like I’m on fire.  
“I have a girlfriend”, you say – like I wouldn’t already know it.  
“I know, I just… I just thought I should tell you”, I answer, taking a deep breath. “I wanted to start a new year with being honest and this is the biggest thing I’ve kept inside so here, now you know”, I continue and let out a little cheerless laugh.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to this, Harry”, you say and you sound hopeless and in any other circumstances I’d do anything I could to get that emotion out of your system, but you _say my name_ and I just want to cry.  
“I don’t know either”, I respond honestly, and I sigh before continuing “I don’t expect the situation to change – you’re still going to be with Eleanor and I’m still going to be miserable about that, but there’s not much I can do about it, is there?” I ask rhetorically and you open your mouth to say something but I’m already done with this conversation.  
“I just… I’m sorry, okay?” I say, finally looking you in the eyes again and you look so lost that I want to just hug you and tell you it’s going to be alright, but to be honest I need that way more than you right now.

So I turn around and walk back inside, leaving you standing alone on my balcony.

~*~*~

“Do you think if you would have, like, worded it differently he would have reacted differently?” Lou asks few weeks later when we’re lying on the floor of my London apartment, pillows and blankets surrounding us. We’re having one of our sleepovers; Lou figure I’d need some cheering up, so she left Lux with Tom and appeared on my doorstep with an actual sleeping bag.

“Word it differently how?” I ask, looking at the sealing.  
“Like gentler. Not just like… blurt it out”, she explains, and I snort.  
“I don’t really know how I could have gently approached the topic of being in love with him for years”, I point out. “And it’s not like I thought it through. I mean I didn’t go to that balcony to confess my undying love or anything, I just suddenly couldn’t bare the idea of going through another year without saying it out loud to him”, I continue and keep going when I see Lou trying to say something. “And I really don’t think there’s gentler way of saying “ _I love you and I’ve loved you since I was sixteen and it’s giving me physical pain to not say it out loud because not saying it out loud means not giving the stupid fantasy of you feeling the same way a chance_ ” than only saying the first three words”, I say in a rush, because I can feel my voice breaking.  
“Oh babe”, Lou sighs out and takes a hold of one of the blankets, putting it on the both of us before she wraps her hands around me and I let her whisper comforting things to me until it doesn’t feel so bad anymore.

~*~*~

When we get to Australia in February, the boys notice – because of course they would, but they don’t ask and we don’t tell and it’s easy like that, pretending that nothing changed, even though pretty much everything did.

We stop rooming together. It’s not like we did it as often as we used to during our previous tours, but now we’ve stopped altogether and it feels weird, it feels _wrong_. Knowing that I’m no longer allowed to crawl in to your bed at night when it all gets overwhelming makes me uneasy. Knowing that I will no longer be woken up with morning cuddles and kisses on the shoulder makes my skin hot.

We are still talking but not really. I know you are trying not to make things weird and I appreciate it, but it’s inevitable.

She doesn’t show up when we’re there, and I’m certain that it’s because you told her not to come, since I know for a fact that she loves Australia. A part of me want to tell you that it’s okay if she comes on tour, I’m a big man and I can handle it – that’s what I’ve been doing for years after all, and practice makes perfect. But the bigger part of me is thankful for your consideration, so I don’t say anything.

Paul is the first one to approach the subject everyone is clearly trying to avoid, and I know he’s been trying too. But it’s his job after all so it was only matter of time when he would come to say something. It is when I’m lying outside on the balcony at the hotel, trying to get some sun while numbing my brain with some boring newspapers on our day off. You are surfing; I know that because I’m still painfully aware of everything you do. Paul sits on the chair next to me, looking clearly uncomfortable and I sigh.

“What?” I ask, trying not to sound too irritated, but I can’t help it – I was happy with the situation when everyone was ignoring the problem and wishing that it would eventually go away.  
“I’m worried”, he answers, crunching his eyebrows together and I close my eyes because I hate to make people worry about me.  
“About what?” I ask, because he still hasn’t said anything important and I just want to get this conversation over with.  
“I was hoping you would tell me”, he says and _oh_ , he’s good.

I don’t want to lie to him but I can’t tell the truth either, so I settle in with something between.  
“We have some things we are dealing with right now, but it’s nothing we can’t deal with ourselves. It will all settle down and come back to normal soon, don’t worry”, I say, not looking at him in the eyes but trying to smile reassuringly.  
“This is the longest time stuff like this has been going on”, Paul points out and I take a deep breath, trying not to think about the fact that he’s right.

The last time we acted like this was when you announced your relationship with Eleanor, and I didn’t deal with it all that well. I’m not proud of my behavior, but it did feel good to know that you cared about what I thought and what I was feeling. Of course you didn’t know _why_ I was feeling and acting the way I was, so you brushed it off with “ _you just don’t know her yet, she’s really nice_ ”. But still, we were not talking properly for a week and a half, mostly because I was moping and avoiding you, but it had ended with you literally climbing from your balcony to mine and nearly breaking my door to get in. You climbed in my bed with me, pressed your chest to my back and refused to let go, saying how you were sorry about whatever it was that I was mad about.

It was over three years ago now.

My thoughts are interrupted by Paul sighing loudly.  
“Just promise me that you’ll sort this out, yeah? Everything is so tense that it’s starting to affect all of us and people are starting to notice”, he asks and clarifies and I nod, promising I will do my best. He knows that by “do my best” I mean not letting it be noticed in public but still being miserable in private, but he doesn’t say anything.

When he leaves I hear your laughter inside, apparently you are back. That is my que to leave.

~*~*~

When we get to Japan Lou asks me if I regret it. I don’t. I don’t regret telling you. It’s true that I could have thought it out a little better and all, but it was the honest truth. Keeping it inside for even a moment longer felt like drowning at the time. And it’s easier like this, when you give me a tentative look before leaving the room to talk with her on the phone and not stay there to rub it in my face like you did before. I can’t blame you for it, because you didn’t know at the time, but I’m glad that you are polite enough to leave, and I usually give you a small smile as a thank you when you come back.

March goes by in kind of a blur, I’m both very aware of everything but somehow it all seems to be so far from me. Lou keeps me busy with helping Lux and I’m thankful for that, otherwise I would have gone crazy. After the show in Dubai we have two months off and when we say our goodbyes at the airport it’s all so awkward that I want to cry. I’m the first one to get on a plane since I’m going to LA and you all are going back to UK, so we’re standing in front of my gates where I’m supposed to leave. We all hug each other and when Liam hugs me he whispers “ _sort it out_ ” in my ear, and I just smile at him apologetically.

I wait for you and Zayn to come say your goodbyes, and even though it’s gotten better with us as time has gone by, I can’t miss the way you tense up when I wrap my hands around you. But then you melt into it and actually hug me back and it reminds me of the first time we needed to say proper goodbye after the x-factor. You bury your face in my neck and I think I hear you sniffle but I can’t be sure, it may have come from me actually. When I loosen my grip a little bit you tighten yours, like you don’t want to let me go just yet, so I hold you just as tight back and give myself a permission to let the tears come to my eyes because this is the first time we’ve hugged, even touched each other this long since the New Year’s and I feel so much.

When we finally apart I realize that the other boys have given us more space, and I’m glad, because I need to wipe my eyes a little bit and I don’t look all that fine with my red face. You snort and smile at me a little hesitant, and I smile back. We do that for a moment, just smile at each other like we’re learning how to do that when it’s just us again, before you break the silence.  
“So, I guess I’ll see you around then?” you ask, sounding hopeful. Or maybe it’s just me, hoping that you’re hopeful.  
“Yeah, guess so”, I answer, even though I know we won’t see each other during the time off. You seem to get that too from my voice and your smile falters a little bit before you shrug.  
“Okay then, but just… Don’t distance yourself from me, yeah? You’re my…” you cut yourself off there, even though I would really want to hear how the sentence would end. “Just don’t, alright?” you finish off and I don’t say anything, just look at you. You don’t look back before you turn around and walk towards the other lads.

~*~*~

We’ve done about half of our shows in the States when I come here again. I haven’t been to the house since New Year’s, and it feels weird being here. Before our European shows I was in LA, but I stayed over at friends’ houses or at a hotel. I feel like the memory of the night doesn’t leave wherever I go, which is ridiculous, because there is so many other memories in this place too. But when I try to push the New Year’s behind and think about all the other memories I have, you seem to be in all the best ones.

When you guys helped me move in and it was just like camping in Sweden, you sitting around useless and shouting orders at everybody.

When you and Niall stayed over and Niall had an absolute killer hangover, so you starter making him breakfast – failing miserably, and when I pointed that out you obviously threw bacon at my face and we had a food war, not helping Niall at all with his headache by making so much noise and destroying all the food.

When I was sick and feeling horrible, and you flied from London to take care of me, even though I’m a grown man and can very well do it myself. But you wouldn’t take a no for an answer and those four days when we didn’t leave the house at all were one of the best days of my life.

You are in all the best memories I have, and the funny thing is, you are here with me right now. After the show in Baltimore you came to me all careful and asked if you could crash with me for the break, said you didn’t really feel like going home to face it all. I didn’t know what you meant by that, but I agreed anyway.

That was three days ago, and right now I’m sitting on the balcony, thinking about how it all went to shit when I hear the door open behind me. It doesn’t close though, like you are standing on the doorway rethinking your decision to come outside. I wouldn’t blame you if you choose to turn around and go back inside, considering the last time we were on this balcony together. But after a moment I hear you taking a step forward and closing the door, not saying anything though.

I know you came here to explain why you chose to spend the break with me here and not go to London or do whatever you’ve been doing these past months during our breaks. Maybe you are here to tell me that you are not going to sign our next contract when the time comes, because of what I said. Or maybe you proposed to her, and you just wanted to be a good person and tell me personally before I would find out through the media. Or maybe –

“I broke up with Eleanor.”

I wasn’t expecting that.  
“I’m sorry”, I say and I feel numb all over.  
“Are you really?” you ask turning to look at me with and expression that makes me feel uneasy. I look at you for a second before nodding and repeating “yes, I’m sorry”, because if I ever have to choose between your happiness and mine, it’s always going to be you.

You look at me quiet for a moment before you turn your gaze away. “Yeah, I’m sorry too.”

It’s quiet after that. I don’t know what to say, really, because it all feels so unreal. Your face in unreadable and you just lean to the railing and look at the view in front of us, so I do the same. It’s dark and I think it’s past midnight, but I can’t be sure.

“Why did you break up?” I ask after a moment – I probably shouldn’t and I know it, but I can’t help it. You are quiet for a long time again before sighing and dropping your eyes to the floor.  
“I think I’ve been lying to myself.”  
“Oh”, I answer, because I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that. It wasn’t really an answer to my question, but I know you’re getting there so I don’t say anything else.

“I think I should have broken up with her a long time ago”, you say, looking over at the city. “I don’t think I ever really loved her, not the way I…” you cut yourself off. “That’s absolutely horrible thing to say about your girlfriend of three and a half years, fuck”, you shake your head a little and are quiet for a long time after that, before continuing. “There are different kinds of loves, you know. There’s the one that I feel for the lads, for my family and for the people close to me”, you say and are still looking over at the city while taking a shaky breath. “And then there’s the kind I feel for you”, you finish and finally turn to look at me. I stop breathing.

“It’s been you for so long but I’ve been denying it because I was so scared – I _am_ so scared. You are the most important thing in my life and I couldn’t do it because I was so scared of losing you, and I _can’t_ lose you Harry”, you start explaining and I see that you’re shaking a little. “But this past year has been the worst time of my life and I’ve been so miserable because that’s exactly what happened, I lost you and it just made me realize how much I love you and how I tried _really_ hard not to be in love with you, but I _am_ , have been for _so long_ ”, you say and stop leaning to the railing, turning your whole body towards me.

“For how long?” I whisper without even realizing it.  
“Do you remember when I walked in on you making breakfast, with nothing but my boxers on in x-factor? You were singing to some old Beatles song on the radio and you kept blowing air out of your mouth loudly so your hair wouldn’t get on your face – even though it wasn’t _that_ long at the time”, you answer with confidence, like the memory is as clear on your mind as it is in mine. I only nod, not trusting my voice to talk, so I just stand there – because what are you supposed to do when the love of your life tells you they love you back? I am afraid to move, afraid that one wrong movement would ruin the moment and make everything shatter around me.

“Since then”, you say with so much hidden emotion and honesty that I can actually see you swallowing couple of times.

“It was Yesterday”, I say suddenly, surprising myself. “The song, I mean. It was Yesterday and I was wearing your boxers because I couldn’t find mine and you told me it was okay, because we would be living together after that anyway and there was no way we wouldn’t mix our underwear, and that was the first time you talked about living together and I got so excited about it. I just had to wake up early just so I could surprise you with already done proper breakfast, since you never had time to eat anything else than cereal, and we didn’t even have your favorite cereal that morning, and I didn’t want you to start your morning like that, ‘cause I knew how you’d be like. And I was so happy because you wanted to spend time with me.”

I see you swallow and I take a small step closer to you.  
“You remember it?” you ask with a small voice and I would laugh if the moment was any different, because how could I forget it? So I nod and take another step closer. “But that wasn’t it for me”, I answer and you look confused.  
“When we were sitting on the porch at the bungalow”, I whisper, because I want you to know it too. You look at me with questions in your eyes like you’re not sure what I’m saying and I smile.

“Niall and Zayn were drunk inside and Liam tried to take care of them, but we were outside sitting on the porch. I was wearing your jumper because back then you were still bigger than me, and you had my red beanie on and you looked ridiculous. I told you how I missed my family and you told me you missed yours too, but that we were going to form our own little family with the boys. You told me that even if we wouldn’t win it wouldn’t matter because we were together, we wouldn’t give up. You joked that you wouldn’t let curly haired and dimpled boy like me go”, I say, looking at you because I want to know if you know what I mean by all this. You do, I know you do, but you want me to say it so I do.

“Since then”, I whisper.

I’m now standing right in front of you, and I’m not sure how that happened. We were so far apart just a moment ago and now I could just raise my hand and reach out a little to touch you. You take a shaky breath.  
“You’d known me for less than half a month”, you say with a small voice, like you’re trying to reason with my feelings.  
“It hasn’t changed since then”, I respond.

I don’t know how I suddenly feel as brave as I do, but I raise my hands a little, looking at you questioningly. “Can I…” I ask and you nod slowly looking at the floor now. So I press my hands against your cheeks, little bit under the jaw to bring you to look at me.

I feel wetness under my hand and – “You’re crying”, I say, uncertainty taking over me. What if I misunderstood, what if you didn’t mean it like I thought you did, what if –  
“Happy tears”, you whisper, interrupting my thoughts. “The happiest tears I’ve ever cried”, you add and I feel my chest tighten because I love you _so much_.

So I do it then. I move my face closer to yours so I can feel your breathing on my lips. You take a sharp intake breath but don’t move away, only look me in the eyes and I see you licking your bottom lip.

During these years I’ve gone through all kinds of ways how our possible first kiss would go. Maybe during a concert, surprising everyone and possibly ruining our career. Or after a concert, I’d press you against the closest wall as soon as we get off stage, still fumbling with adrenaline as I’d press my body against yours and kiss you with all I’ve got. Or maybe in some dark corner at a party while feeling a little tipsy, not completely drunk but just enough to have the courage to do so.

Not a single one of my thoughts could compare to this, you standing in front of me looking all hesitant and hopeful after telling me you love me, exactly two hundred and twenty-two days later that I’ve told it to you on this same balcony. A part of me really wants to just surge forward and _finally_ press our lips together, but I know that’s not how it’s meant to be.

It’s meant to be like _this_ so I do it, press my lips gently and carefully against your lips, because waiting for another moment feels like a waste of time now. You seem to be taken aback by it, but only for a second before you melt into it, pressing against me too. You raise your hand to my neck, holding it there while I decide to open my mouth a little bit, trying the waters. I take your bottom lip between mine and you hold on to my neck tighter, but not in a painful way. You open your mouth a little bit too, and I take that as my permission to sloth our mouths together properly and somewhere in the back of my mind I think that this is the way it should always feel like when kissing someone.

The kiss heats up pretty quickly, but not in a sexual way. More like “ _I need to make sure you’re there, need to make sure you’re real_ ” kind of a way. You cling to me, wrapping your hands around me under my arms, while I’ve already moved my hands to hold you against me chest so tightly that there’s no space between us.

After what feels like too soon I need to stop kissing you to get air, but I only disconnect our lips and press our foreheads together, lining my nose next to yours as we both breathe heavily.

“ _Fuck_ ” you whisper and let out a strangled laugh. You try to kiss me again but I don’t let you, not just yet.  
“Lou, if we’re going to do this –“ I start but you cut me off. “We are, Harry, we are. Please don’t say you don’t want to anymore because –“  
“Of course I want to, are you out of your mind? I’ve wanted this since I was _sixteen_ Louis, and I just…” I take a deep breath. “We need to do it right, okay?” I continue and look you in the eyes to make my point clear. “No rushing into things, we need to do it like it was supposed to go, alright?”

You are quiet for a moment before slowly nodding. “Okay, on one condition”, you say and I furrow my brow. You smirk and lean in closer to my ear. “By the time we need to get back on tour, we’ve made up for all the wasted time and are on the point where we’re supposed to be”, you whisper and I can feel your breathing against my ear. I swallow. “We have a week”, you whisper again, and it sounds _filthy_ and goes straight to my crotch. “Think you have the stamina for it?” you ask and I feel you taking my earlobe between your teeth and I groan because _fuck_.

“We better start now then don’t we”, I ask rhetorically and grab you under your thighs and you yelp and wrap your legs around my waist and hands around my neck. You look at me with a disapproving look, but I can tell by the way your pupils are dilated that you apparently like being manhandled. “It’s not our wedding day, you aren’t meant to carry me inside.”  
“Well, we were meant to make up for the wasted time, why not practice for later too?” I smirk in response and start to walk towards the door.  
“If this is your way of proposing I need to reconsider my decision to kiss you, you haven’t wooed me enough”, you smirk back and I feel fondness taking all over me, so I lean in to kiss you gently while opening the door. Talking about weddings doesn’t even feel like going too fast, because it’s been _four years_ and at this point most people nowadays would already have gotten divorced twice.

We don’t have sex that night, not yet. You don’t seem to be too pleased with my decision and it takes all my willpower to stop you from grinding your ass against my crotch when we’re spooning in my bed. You only stop when I place my hand under your navel and whisper “ _your behavior makes me reconsider my idea of waking you up with a hand job_ ”. You turn around then and kiss me, and we take our time, enjoying the fact that now we’re allowed to do that, before backing away.

“I love you”, you whisper and try to hide our face in the pillow, but I’m not having any of that. I press the pillow down so I can look you in the eyes while answering with “I love you too”. You smile before smirking and saying “Now, what about we get some sleep so we can enjoy some nice morning activities in a few hours, yeah?”  
“How did I ever fell for you?” I ask, but there’s no heat behind it.  
“Apart from the fact that I’m absolutely dashing lad?” you retort and I roll my eyes.  
“Go to sleep Lou.” And you do.

I keep my kind of a promise and wake you up with my hand around your cock, and after you’ve woken up it takes you less than two minutes to come. The moment you’re back from it you turn to straddle me and wank me off with quick movements, and I come embarrassingly quickly. After breakfast we go to shower and my knees hurt for the rest of the day from blowing you on the hard tiles, but judging from the sounds you made it was totally worth it. You return the favor when we get to bed later that night and you actually come yourself just from blowing me, which I find incredibly hot and we both fall asleep with pleased smiles on our faces.

The week goes like that, with shared mutual orgasms and by the end of the week we’ve barely left the house. On our second last night I want you to fuck me and I have probably the best orgasm of my life, until the next day when I return the favor to you, because as you said “ _you shouldn’t be the only one getting **that** pleasure in this relationship_ ”, and I couldn’t agree more.

The last morning here we need to wake up way too early but you are not next to me when I open my eyes. I know where you are though, so after a minute I join you on the balcony, looking over the railing at the waking city. I wrap my hands around you from behind and you lean in to me, pleased sound coming from you. I press a kiss to the back of your neck before placing my chin on top of your head.

“You make me feel so small”, you whisper after a while, and I know you’re not just talking about our height difference. I turn you around to look at you worriedly, placing my hands on your biceps.  
“Hey, what now?” I ask, furrowing my brow.  
“I just… You make me feel so _much_ and I just… I’m scared”, you confess with a small voice, not quite meeting my eyes and I lean in to kiss your forehead reassuringly.  
“Are you having second thoughts?” I ask, scared for your answer. But then you finally look me in the eyes like I’ve gone mad.  
“No, I could not –“ you cut yourself off and take a deep breath. “This has been the best week of my life, okay? I couldn’t go back to how things were”, you say and I feel a huge weight falling off my shoulders. “It’s just that… I’m scared it will all change, like. I mean when it’s not just us, when there are people around. And like all the stress and work we will go through, what if it all gets too much? And what about all my mood swings, I’m fucking _horrible_ when I get on one of my moods, what if you can’t handle it, what if –“  
“Hey hey hey”, I cut you off and place my finger on your mouth. “None of that”, I continue and move my hand on your cheek. “I’ve lived through your mood swings for the past four years, don’t you remember? And they only make me love you even more” I say and you turn your gaze on the floor when your eyes start to water. “Believe me, there’s nothing that could happen when we go back that would change the way I feel about you, okay?” I move my hand under your jaw to raise your eyes back to mine. “I love you, have loved you for the past four years and you being a bitch once in a while won’t change that. You are _it_ for me. I’m in love with you, and you’re kinda stuck with me now.” I can see the words sinking into your mind and the corners of your mouth are starting to turn up a little, but you still seem unsure.

“Do you promise?” you whisper.  
“I promise”, I say and your face lightens up as you surge forward to finally connect our lips again and it feels like coming home.

~*~*~

When we arrive in Ohio and walk towards the boys hand in hand, tentative smiles on our faces, I know this is how it was supposed to be from the beginning. And when Niall claps his hands together with a way too big smile on his face and says “ _finally_!” I can’t agree more. But we’re finally getting there.

**Author's Note:**

> So that was fun wasn't it? I actually have a draft for another one written like this, but it's from Louis' perspective. It's not like the same story as this from Louis POV, but written with the same weird style.  
> My twitter is @iidarawr come say hi


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